It feels like I only ever update this thing when I’m on some serious lack of sleep, for whatever reason. I guess that explains the lack of updates -and- the generally shitty content of those updates!

 I think I’m starting to teeter back into depression. I’m sleeping a lot more than usual, I haven’t touched my website or any of my other projects in months, and I’m finding far more enjoyment in spending time alone than going out or doing anything at all. Well, I wouldn’t call it enjoyment, it’s more like… comfort. I feel more comfortable when I don’t have to force myself to be a social person, I guess. I don’t like it though, it’s not helping.

 Though, I’ve been trying to improve myself. As of a couple of weeks ago, I abandonned a forum community that was 89% responsible of the exorbitant amount of time I spend holed up in my room procrastinating work and not being productive whatsoever. It was a preventative measure to treat the problem I stated earlier. I’d noticed for years that I spend way too much goddamn time on the internet, and especially on that community, so I finally decided to “beat” it and left without much explanation. (Though I doubt anyone really noticed that I left, and I’m sure they’re doing just fine without me) That being said, it didn’t help. I’ve accomplished less in the past 2 weeks than I have all semester. Where I thought I would find a whole bunch of time to devote to things I actually care about, and sort of re-create my social life from the ground up (it’s been suffering due to …well… frankly my own stupidity. I stopped talking to a lot of people for no reason and it’s past the point of repair now. I only actively hang out with like 5-7 people, and the rest kind of fell to the wayside. But that’s a story for another day) I guess I’d hoped that without the negative influence of having something to spend time wasting on, all of my problems would go away, but instead they just became more glaring to me. I’m going about this all wrong, and I don’t know where to start to make it right. I have this urge to let out some creativity in the form of projects that I have in mind, but everytime the urge to actually work and be productive in that aspect, I either have some stupid schoolwork that takes precedence, or I’m not in a situation where I can work on it (aka out of my room with no access to my laptop). It doesn’t help that I lost a majority of things in my hard-drive failure fiasco (yes, i know i should stop harping on about that but losing 2 drives in a matter of months sucked. I’ve lost so many things I’ll never recover…) A friend of mine asked me about one of my projects on thursday, which is a project I’ve been wanting to put together for practically years now, and the only thing that’s changed now as opposed to a year ago is that 3 months ago I bought web hosting and put my really crappy personal site up as a place-holder. I’m not happy with the way things are, but I don’t know how to be less lazy. I don’t know how to function outside of my system of, well, what essentially boils down to being lazy as fuck. I worry about things and make no conscious effort to fix them…

I don’t want to finish that last thought so… NON-SEQUITOR PARAGRAPH CHANGE! Finals are coming up very soon. This semester doesn’t seem like it will be too hard. I’m actually more stressed about my financial situation (my loan got screwed up, I don’t want to talk about it right now, but it’s a huge stress factor). But as far as school work goes I only have two 10-page papers to do, and one test. Now, assuming I don’t start writing both papers the night before and totally overlook studying for the test, everything should be great, but given how things are progressing, I have very little faith in myself that this will actually go smoothly. I predict like 6 all-nighters. In a row. hahah.

Well, that being said, take all of this with a slight grain of salt. I’m on severe lack of sleep, and I’m feeling weak (that rhymes nurrr). I have no one I particularly want to air grievances to, and it seems like everyone’s far too busy getting their lives together to care about my simplistic shit. I’m 21 years old, I shouldn’t still be complaining about stupid things like this. I just needed to get it out there. This probably isn’t the best venue either, kinda feels ‘livejournal’-esque… God, I’m turning into a 15 year old girl, I swear…

Someone teach me to be productive.